It's like lemonade- Sweet, Tangy, and Refreshing!

June 30, 2007

The Hard Part is Keeping Them In Love With You...

Drac and I are seeing each other again as boyfriend/girlfriend, and he's doing his best to show me that he's changed. It's starting to work, but there's a LOT we have to get through. To his advantage, he's being sweet, charming, and generally everything I remember loving about him.

Silly, snarky jokes aside, he's really a more mature Drac than when we parted ways. I find that encouraging, to say the least. (I am worried about his sister, though. *virtual hugs the Renzo*)

I put him through hell before finally agreeing to one last evening out with him, to exchange our things. Things did evolve from there, slowly.

I want to take a minute to say that bringing my relationship (if you would call what we had a relationship) to a close with John was NOT a direct result of seeing Drac again. Each event was mutually exclusive, and I was very conflicted about both. Most people are sick to death about hearing about my relationship issues, so I haven't really talked about them unless asked. (Mostly. Jess and Laura have both put up with me on various occasions.)

I've agreed to give him a second try. It's his last one. I'm not stupid enough to give another one... if he doesn't learn from his mistakes, then I intend to learn from mine.

Fostering Forgiveness and Futility

I guess I have no reason to hold myself back on this blog anymore.

Up until recently I was part of a very, very strange love triangle between a man by the name of John and his on/off Ex. (There are way too many people in my life named John, much like there were to many women in my mother's life named Carol.)

His girlfriend has been known to canvas websites he checks, so as I became aware that he was still with her (because it was sort of don't ask/don't tell at the beginning of April), I became less willing to write about my interaction with him anywhere online- and in doing so, I'd keep it brief and generally ambiguous. I know that she knows what I look like, being that she stumbled (purposely?) across my myspace. All she really has to do is google my name on the other forum, and she'd eventually come up with this blog again.

I don't know whether or not he told her he'd been talking to me. I really don't.

I do know that he broke up with me once in February specifically to get back togeather with her. (If he denies it, He'll cite that the reason he got back with her was merely because he was single, despite it being within eighteen hours of breaking it off with me.) We were back togeather for a minute, and then he broke it off again, citing a dream/vision that said I was meant to be with one of his other friends.

I didn't want any of his friends. They're good people. I like them. But I wasn't emotionally stimulated by them. In any real way. >_>

So we spent a month apart, rarely speaking to each other. During that time, he did return to his ex for a minute. We spent an evening togeather, after which he offhandedly suggested that we might get back togeather- I needed to think about it, we were supposed to talk about it that evening. Funny- he said he was over at his best friend's house, and I was talking with him on messenger. The friend made no mention of John having been there. I didn't have a phone number for him at the time.

He was back with her around Easter.

He didn't tell me this until the beginning of May, couching it with "It'll be over any day now. She'll get fed up, or I'll get fed up, and one of us will end it."

Any day became any week.

Any week became two months.

She must hate me, if she knows. I ended my corner last week, despite his choice to end it with his girlfriend. I didn't ask him to do it. He did it, and I told him to go back to her. After fruitless attempts to reach me, he said: "I guess you just don't care anymore". Here's the kicker. He was dead wrong.

See, if I didn't care, I wouldn't have gotten out of that relationship pattern. If I didn't care, wouldn't it have made more sense to keep him around for a good, hot fuck? If I didn't care, then why did I even allow myself wait as long as I did, without him asking? If I didn't care, I wouldn't have kept him as a friend at all when he severed connections with me back in February, after I told him I loved him.

If I didn't care, I wouldn't have meant it. And if I hadn't been so damned desperate at the time to make him happy, I would never have backed down from it.

That's the honest truth.




Yay! 300th post!!!

June 19, 2007

The rest of my month-

I've been talking about work a lot, because it was foremost in my mind.

As well as money. That's been kinda up there too.

But a lot of interesting things have happened to me in the past few weeks... I mean, really. I don't have a diary of events, so the dates may be a little bit off, but I think it's been a while since I've had a highlights reel.

  • (Jun 1) I find it terribly ironic that Dad found out about the buyout while I was out having fun. But it was sometime around Jun 1st that he called my cell. I was out and about- Gene was in the area so we hung out at Borders and he kept me from spending my money. He's good at it.

    • He's also completely awesome. I got to see him verbally duke it out with a hardcore born-again christian handing out literature. (Similar to chick tracts, but more love-based than scare-based.) It's great- he's intelligent, witty, etc. I pretty much kept my mouth shut during the encounter, mostly 'cause I was in awe.

  • (Jun 1-2) Get to work, find out more about the Adam's Mark merger. This whole thing sucks in general.

  • (Jun 5) Got sick, had to cancel on Shakespeare in the Park, and generally had a sucky two days off. And I was looking forward to it so much!

  • (Jun 9?) Family Reunion! (Oh, dear lord. >_<)
    • Kay's entire family came over and I spent most of the morning/afternoon hiding in my room. Dad also made the thickest, juiciest hamburgers ever on the grill he got for himeself for Father's day.
    • On the bright side, Athene, Tarrith, and their collective better halves were there, so it was much more bearable than it would have been without them.
    • Afterwords, I went out to Alton for... Fast Eddies! ^_^;

  • (Jun 10) Got to go the the Renn Faire with Gene. Had a complete blast.
    • Poor Gene had to put up with me getting liquored up and yelling drunkenly at one of the pirate shows. I still think my comments were relevant and appropriate, and even though they pretended not to hear me, Gene assured me that they could probaby hear me in the next county over.
    • I bought two things- One, a gift for dad that I haven't given him yet. Two, a leather mask that fits anyone who places it against their face like a glove. It's sexy and I love it.
    • Also got to try Honey Mead. Dear... god... it... is... sweet... ambrosia. I would have bought a bottle for dad, except that I had already spent all my money.
    • Gene slipped away to walk some of his friends to the gates, so I kinda was drooling over a table with wood-petal(ed?) roses.

      Seller: How are you doing today?
      Me: Broke, actually. *embarassed smile*
      Seller: Then this is the place to be.

      There was another gentleman in garb there... he paid for a rose for me, and the seller scented it. ^_^ And they say Chivalry is dead.

  • (Jun 13) Went to the Marvel exhibit at the St. Louis Science Center... then Rigazzi's, then Severance at the Tivoli, then home. Also got to see Pan's Labyrinth and spent the evening in good company. Severance is british-tourista-slasher-funny, and Pan's Laybrinth was everything I expected. And I mean that in a good way. Everyone was very much in the vein of "It won't be what you expect". *shakes head*

  • (Jun 14-15) Spent my last thursday of the month off with Melisa!
    • We were initially going to go to the Hustler club. As they were having a special event with a special appearance by Ron Jeremy, cover was $20. That kinda fell through since she (at the time) was more broke than I believed myself to be. (Now we're about on even footing- she doesn't have a job, but is living rent-free with her boyfriend)
    • Instead, we met up at Southtown Pub. I showed off my mask, wearing it on top of my head like an accessory, hair in my hair spike, legs in my renn sandals, capri pants, and chinese corset. Chasity from TJ Maxx popped in, and I hadn't gotten to see her in a while, which was nice. ^_^ A guy who had basically been emotionally stiffed by his blind date was invited down to our end of the table. He gave me his card, did the whole "call me" thing. I was flattered, but no, I'm not gonna ring him. He had grey hair and was twice my age.
    • After Southtown, about six of us (including Ronnie, the bartender) went to another bar, still serving drinks and playing Kareoke. Got to see one of Melisa's regulars rock out to Deep Purple without even looking at the lyrics. Also, the entire GROUP tried to set me up with Clark (yes, that's really his name).

      Clark: So I see you got a mask. You like Superman?
      Me: Superman? I like him... He's okay.
      Clark: Well my name's Clark.
      Me: Like Clark Kent?
      Clark: Are you like a Lois Lane or somefin?
      Me: No, Lois doesn't wear a mask.
      Clark: Well could I be your Clark Kent.
      Me: No thanks, I'm like Wonder Woman. She don't need no Superman or Clark Kent.

      (later, after many attempts to switch seats)
      Clark: You got nice breast-teses.
      Me: Um, Thank you.
      Clark: Can I see 'em titties? *playing with my clasp on my back, while I'm giving Melisa pleading eyes
      Me: Erm... no. *escapes to the bathroom*
    • After that little escapade, Ronnie, Melisa, and I all crossed the river for Pops.
      • Now, about Pops- Pops is where everyone still partying at 3:30 in the morning goes, as well as the bouncers and strippers who get off work at the nearby skin joints.
      • I was reasonably sober when I got there, and was stone-cold sober by the time I left.
      • I also played the claw machine and got myself a Unipegasus plushie on the first try! SHE CAN BE TAUGHT! Either that, or there's nothing quite like dumb luck.

  • (Jun 16) Tarrith and his lovely galpal were in town once again, this time for Father's Day and Race for the cure!
    • My brother is bad for my Manga habit, he bought me the first four volumes of a series that I desire greatly but haven't had the money or motivation to go buy myself. It's Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle, the sequel (kinda) to CardCaptor Sakura. I'm deeply in love with xxxHolic, so falling in love with Tsubasa wasn't hard. I hadn't started collecting either of them. Manga is like crack, but the effects can be enjoyed over... and over... and over again. You know... expensive but uplifting. >_>
    • The race was awesome. I took pictures with my cell phone. Kay snuck off before I could get a family picture. Darn her. *shakes fist* I bought myself a pink chocolate-covered strawberry while on my detour at the end of the race. It's the second time I've taken a detour through the air-conditioned Union Station... just because. ^_^ It was worth it.

And that basically brings it all up to date. I'm off tonight because I swapped days with a co-worker. And I hate being off on a Tuesday... at least he normally gets Friday and Saturday off... he could've left my Thursday alone. The weeks go so much faster that way.

Signing off~
The Black Hole for Joy

Wow. I'm hurt.

I went to the Missouri career center. I mean, it had worked last time- got me the job at Adam's Mark, and I was scared because I needed guidance and didn't have anywhere to turn. So I went.

The economy is in a downturn- I know this. Unemployment is high. I know this, too. But I'm not looking forward to the end of the month when my bank account will be overdrafted four times in quick succession when the rest of my college loans kick in. I'm about ready to cry, and this sucks.

At the job center, I got a one-on-one interview where she basically pointed out my resources, gave me my id, but failed to give me my correct password. I got to figure that little mishap out myself. (She automatically assumed it was the default- birthdate. Wrongo.) At the end, I remembered that the last time I'd come, the person who kind of nudged me in the right direction mentioned that they had seminars open to the unemployed and the general workforce (i.e. people off the street- like I was at the time... as well as the present).

The woman at the reception desk corroberated with what I had thought, and my interviewer basically had passed over the schedule of open classes because she had thought it was strictly for the unemployed.

But what really got to me was this, while they thought I couldn't hear them.

Receptionist: Is she underemployed?
Interviewer: *hushed, frustrated, and... generally derrogatory* No!!

The only thing she was missing was an eyeroll. I about died on the spot, probably because I wasn't supposed to hear it. I felt like marching up to her, telling her that I understood that I didn't have any children, but I DO have to pay to live at the Ballwin house, I have a hard time keeping gas in my tank, and if I had somewhere else to turn for advice, I would. I didn't, instead I thanked them both for their time and took a seat at the computer.

I was bristling by that time, trying to sign in, only to find out that the interviewer had given me my password wrong. I didn't want to get up and ask her. I did figure it out after jumping through a few hoops. But when I finally got through to, I didn't have enough heart to do much with it. I felt... slighted and out of place. Damn them both.

So I didn't stay. I went down to Mystic Valley, and back home.

Fucking hell. What do I do in August if I can't find a new job by then? Waitress three jobs and hope for the best? Go Cutco or Telemarketing?

I'll figure out something. But fuck going back there for the next nine months. I have the only thing they were going to give me besides fax and cover letter services.

June 08, 2007

On Work

We aren't allowed to talk about the buyout to news sources.

That's because we really don't know anything, we're getting the exact same information that they are. Look up Adam's Mark, Merger, and Fred Kummer if you are dying to know more than what's here.

Odds are, I won't lose my job talking about it on here. I'll just have to make the option not to access my weblog at work until this post falls off the page. I can do that, if necessary. Nobody at work reads my blog- and my job would probably. And if I do, I have nearly a year's worth of customer service under my belt, and I'm sure that some of my co-workers would vouch for me.

They're just as scared as I am.

Lucille is worred about benefits. Her raise is coming up just after the final deal is supposed to close.

Paul is worried that they'll make us a 9a-9pCST call center, effectively cutting out third shift altogeather. He says he can't work a normal retail job due to his health- anything else would just about kill him.

Other people worry that they might re-route the calls directly to the hotel reservations offices on-site, cutting out the entire call center. People who have stuck by our hotels since before Mr. Kummer sold the first sixteen out of the 23 in the chain are more or less shaking their heads- what can they do? Just wait it out, see what happens.

What kills me is similar to what's worrying Lucille. My loans will CRUSH me if I don't start getting tuition assistance so I can finish my degree. Yes, that peice of paper does make a difference when it comes to what I'm eligible for in salary. Tuition Assistance was an HBE corporate benefit- not a mere Adam's Mark benefit. Were it the latter, then it should transfer. But it's not. So I cross my fingers.

And wait.

And although I am typically patient, the bulk of my federal loans kick in beginning in September.

I don't have enough to make their minimum payments. That's what's really killing me right now. All this stress is giving me headaches. >_<