Shame

Currently, the best video of slam poetry on Youtube. I think I go back to that page every two weeks for my fix (and since I found it three months ago, that says a lot). Obviously not my video, not my poem. But god, it's poignant. The transcription might be off, but I'm sure you'll get the idea.

This is how much I love you
This is how much I hate you
This is how much I can't live without you

last night I went to a chick's house to fuck
I failed to fuck and got trapped in small talk- TV time
bailed out early

so it's midnight, dark
I'm driving
Destination unknown...
and let me tell you, my car's a ghetto special
been wrecked five times and still driving
protesting engine, wrinkled metal, and new tires
I groan(sp) down the desolate highway for coffee and an automaid(sp)

this fat waitress who works here
she's gently fat, I mean, she isn't ghastly
just childlike in the middle of all her skin

and we always talk
it's meaningless patter
Exes, drugs, money and cars
she's just getting off work and joins me for coffee
I can't help eyeing her enormous tits... thinking...

So I end up in her rattling monster of a car headed to her place
with a bottle in my lap
and she's warning me how annoying her roommate is
and I'm getting worked up inside
(God, finally laid after months)

her apartment is a dark hole
akin to a thrift shop
every corner is piled high with bits of shit
Torn sweaters, a newspaper from '88
an empty birdcage
and in the middle of it all
ah, yes... in the middle
two TV's
one no picture, and the other no sound
and the Jetsons are going so loud!
Ashley!!!

her roommate's a skinny dirty tweeker
he's hunched into a corner of the loveseat
immediately upon entering, he starts talking
first about church:
the church he goes to
why he goes to this one
who the "bad christians" are
(it seems they're all bad christians to him)
the songs they sang
what lines of hymns he disagrees with

then he starts in on the speed
the stuff he scored yesterday
the stuff he's scoring tonight
"God I love it!!!"

it gets later
it goes on so long, I'm starting to wish I'd just jerked off and went to bed
finally Katherine,
fat child,
convinces him to go shave
and shower the eight-day layer of dirt away

and without much preamble, she was unzipping me
I tried to take her shirt off, but she had issues with her fat
we kissed twice and I put it in
worked it in and out five minutes
and it was over

no love

not even sweat

just a grunt
a thanks
and a ride back to my car


This is how much I love you
This is how much I hate you
This is how much I can't live without you