Fostering Forgiveness and Futility

I guess I have no reason to hold myself back on this blog anymore.

Up until recently I was part of a very, very strange love triangle between a man by the name of John and his on/off Ex. (There are way too many people in my life named John, much like there were to many women in my mother's life named Carol.)

His girlfriend has been known to canvas websites he checks, so as I became aware that he was still with her (because it was sort of don't ask/don't tell at the beginning of April), I became less willing to write about my interaction with him anywhere online- and in doing so, I'd keep it brief and generally ambiguous. I know that she knows what I look like, being that she stumbled (purposely?) across my myspace. All she really has to do is google my name on the other forum, and she'd eventually come up with this blog again.

I don't know whether or not he told her he'd been talking to me. I really don't.

I do know that he broke up with me once in February specifically to get back togeather with her. (If he denies it, He'll cite that the reason he got back with her was merely because he was single, despite it being within eighteen hours of breaking it off with me.) We were back togeather for a minute, and then he broke it off again, citing a dream/vision that said I was meant to be with one of his other friends.

I didn't want any of his friends. They're good people. I like them. But I wasn't emotionally stimulated by them. In any real way. >_>

So we spent a month apart, rarely speaking to each other. During that time, he did return to his ex for a minute. We spent an evening togeather, after which he offhandedly suggested that we might get back togeather- I needed to think about it, we were supposed to talk about it that evening. Funny- he said he was over at his best friend's house, and I was talking with him on messenger. The friend made no mention of John having been there. I didn't have a phone number for him at the time.

He was back with her around Easter.

He didn't tell me this until the beginning of May, couching it with "It'll be over any day now. She'll get fed up, or I'll get fed up, and one of us will end it."

Any day became any week.

Any week became two months.

She must hate me, if she knows. I ended my corner last week, despite his choice to end it with his girlfriend. I didn't ask him to do it. He did it, and I told him to go back to her. After fruitless attempts to reach me, he said: "I guess you just don't care anymore". Here's the kicker. He was dead wrong.

See, if I didn't care, I wouldn't have gotten out of that relationship pattern. If I didn't care, wouldn't it have made more sense to keep him around for a good, hot fuck? If I didn't care, then why did I even allow myself wait as long as I did, without him asking? If I didn't care, I wouldn't have kept him as a friend at all when he severed connections with me back in February, after I told him I loved him.

If I didn't care, I wouldn't have meant it. And if I hadn't been so damned desperate at the time to make him happy, I would never have backed down from it.

That's the honest truth.